Palin Calls For The End Of Halloween

Today, in a speech in Palooka, Florida, Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin launched her 2012 presidential campaign with a call for a permanent ban on Halloween.

"My fellow Americans, as you know, I've always been somewhat of a maverick," Palin told her dozens of fans, who made it to the rally, even though the weather was a less than friendly 74 degrees and the sun was awfully warm. "That is why I am taking this opportunity, doncha know, to announce my official run for 2012. Yup, that's right, America, I am running to be your next queen, er, I mean, president. That old geezer was just bringing me down in the polls, you bet he was, so I decided to dump his ass. Besides, I got tired of him asking me if I thought POWs were sexy."

"One of the first things I would do as your queen, oh, gosh darn it, dere I go again, I mean president, is to do away wit dat awful holiday known as Halloween. Halloween is one of the worse things out there, and there are many, many things wrong with it," Palin announced to a stunned crowd.

"First, of all, there is all that costume stuff. I tell you, my fellow Americans, I am proud to say not once did I ever let any of my six precious children - Todd, Truck, Branch, Algebra, Trout and Bong - where any of those silly things. No, because then that means there would be less outfits for me, and the cargo hold of my jet isn't even full yet. Besides, we all know that I can't count on that bum of a husband buying me anything nice anyway, so I might as well those outfits." Palin quickly reversed herself, pointing to the tinfoil tiara on her head, making it explicitly clear that Todd had made it for her, and that it made her feel beautiful. She added that it had the additional benefit of "keeping that gotcha media from filtering through my thoughts. Darn you, Katie Couric!"

"Another reason to do away with Halloween is the basic idea of trick or treat. Listen, I don't think our kids should be going around acting like some kind of terrorist, threatening people with acts of terror if they don't hand over candy. And what's up with that whole handing out candy to every little rugrat that comes to your door? I could see you wanting to give lots of candy away if it was one of my precious angels. But it might be one of them unfavorable, lazy kids - you know the kind I mean - that don't do any homework or help with the chores, just because they're pregnant or some other lame reason, and now want a hand out. Well, my fellow Americans, that sounds a lot like socialism to me, and if there is one label you can put on me, well, that is I am the most antisocial person around."

Instead of having Halloween, which she called "a most unChristian" holiday, Palin offered the crowd, which had dwindled down to about 20 people, counting the former stock market investors who were looking for spare change, another holiday to take its place.

"When I take my rightful place on the throne, I mean, in the Oval Office, I will make Congress make October 31st known as St. Sarah Day, named after me, the patron saint of pipelines and oil wells. And if they try to say 'no' to me, Todd and I will see that they get fired."

"Instead of trick-or-treating, all the children will don their best Sunday outfits and go to dance around the pipeline," Palin continued, "Oh, yes, my friends, there will be pipelines running all through this beautiful country of our, you betcha. And just like I'm doing in Alaska, I will see to it personally that they get built. Just don't ask me when."

After the rally, attendees and people waiting for the bus, expressed confusion and befuddlement. "You mean that wasn't Tina Fey on the stage? Then why was she dressed like that and talking so funny? I could have sworn it was a comedy routine," expressed Harvey Frudwumple, who was at the rally, "By the way, do you have any spare change I can borrow?"

In related developments, the Anchorage Daily News, Alaska's biggest newspaper, has come out with an endorsement of Barack Obama. The amazing thing is that those terrorist-loving, fascist, communistic, pinko, homosexual, Muslim liberal media people stopped short of calling for Palin to be put in a seal costume and air dropped, by her very own Royal Guard, er, I mean, Alaska National Guard, in polar bear country.

This has been Hyena Blitzed reporting for Faux News, the only place you can get a fairly unbalanced look at today's top stories.

Palin's Professional and Personnel Problems Percolate

Camp McPalin has been keeping their VP pick Sarah Palin on a very short leash. Given how poorly she did in her one and only interview, I can understand why. With all the secrecy going on, it's no wonder that some people are already calling her Dick Cheney with lipstick.

But no matter how much McCain's marauders try to hush up any and all information about Palin, there is a political version of Hurricane Ike headed their way. And almost all of it is boiling up regarding Troopergate.

We already know that Troopergate involves Palin firing the state's top cop, Public Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan, for not firing her ex-brother-in-law, Michael Wooten. But everyday, more and more information about Palin's pattern of behavior and other issues surrounding Troopergate are emerging.

As mayor of Wasilla, Palin had a rough start. She fired the police chief because he was giving her "mean looks." She asked twice about banning books. When the librarian told her no, she fired her, which caused an uprising among the citizens. She also fired the head of the museum, which prompted two other department heads to quit. She tried to make museum employees decide which one of them should be fired. She also tried to illegally replace two members of the town council. All of these abuses of power started rumblings of a recall.

As she tried to make a name for herself as a reformer, she showed herself to be no better. From Bloomberg.com:

The moment that crystallized her image as a reformer came when she turned in state Republican chairman Randy Ruedrich after discovering he was using his state e-mail account to conduct party business.

Palin and Ruedrich were serving together as commissioners on the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission, a state regulatory agency, at the time. Ruedrich resigned from the commission in November 2003, and was later fined $12,000, according to a 2004 article in the Anchorage Daily News.

In 2006, Palin found herself asking forgiveness for a similar offense from her past, according to a July 28, 2006, article in the Anchorage Daily News. She had sent campaign e- mails from her Wasilla mayor's office in 2002, when she made an unsuccessful run for lieutenant governor.

``For any mistakes like that (were) made, I apologize,'' Palin said of the e-mail controversy in July 2006, according to the Anchorage Daily News.

As governor, Palin's pattern of abusing her power continued. When Monegan refused to fire Wooten, who already had been investigated and punished, she fired Monegan. Then the big cover ups and distortions started. First, she tries to say Monegan wasn't fired, but quit. But a TV station in Alaska caught her up in her lies when she states that she fired Monegan for something that she praised him for just a week before. Interestingly enough, the person Palin appointed to replace Monegan had to step down two weeks later due to an old sexual harassment charge.

Palin kept up her personal vendetta against Wooten despite being warned by a judge to drop the issue. More recently, an ethics adviser warned Palin that she should admit her mistakes and move on, before it blew up on her. She obviously did not listen to either of these people.

The Alaskan State Legislature has now issued subpoenas for thirteen people, including Todd Palin, to investigate whether Palin has abused her power of office.

And why Todd? Well, Todd, aka the First Dude, has a history of being overly involved in the affairs of the State, even though he holds no official role or capacity to be so involved. From the New York Times:

While that suggestion goes beyond the image presented of Mr. Palin during the Republican convention as a blue-collar family man and sportsman, it echoes a widely held understanding among lawmakers, state employees and lobbyists about Mr. Palin’s heavy engagement in state government.

In the small circle of advisers close to the governor, these people say, Mr. Palin is among the closest, and he plays an unpaid but central role in many aspects of the administration of Ms. Palin, the Republican nominee for vice president.

Mr. Palin’s involvement in the governor’s office has prompted an irreverent quip by some capital staff members when decisions are to be made that might affect the governor: “What would Todd do?”

Mr. Palin has encouraged lawmakers to support his wife’s agenda, helped her review budget items and polish speeches, surprised some lawmakers by sitting in on meetings. and received copies of top administration staff e-mail messages.

Mr. Palin also has stepped into personnel issues that have personal relevance, most notably his contact with Walt Monegan, then the public safety commissioner, to express concern about the continued employment of a state trooper who had gone through a bitter divorce and custody battle with the governor’s sister. Mr. Monegan was later fired, and it is that firing that prompted the vote Friday on the subpoena.

On a side note, it is Todd's level of involvement is even more disturbing when one takes in consideration that he was a long standing member of the Alaska Independence Party, which advocates secession from the United States. He even got his wife, Sarah to attend two conventions of the AIP. One can only wonder what other strange and inappropriate things the Palins were into.

Mike Mathias, of Pundit Nation, has more on Palin and her history of cronyism and personal vendettas.

The Mighty Brawler also has more cronyism and how Palin not only bullies underlings, but also citizen bloggers.