Palin Calls For The End Of Halloween

Today, in a speech in Palooka, Florida, Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin launched her 2012 presidential campaign with a call for a permanent ban on Halloween.

"My fellow Americans, as you know, I've always been somewhat of a maverick," Palin told her dozens of fans, who made it to the rally, even though the weather was a less than friendly 74 degrees and the sun was awfully warm. "That is why I am taking this opportunity, doncha know, to announce my official run for 2012. Yup, that's right, America, I am running to be your next queen, er, I mean, president. That old geezer was just bringing me down in the polls, you bet he was, so I decided to dump his ass. Besides, I got tired of him asking me if I thought POWs were sexy."

"One of the first things I would do as your queen, oh, gosh darn it, dere I go again, I mean president, is to do away wit dat awful holiday known as Halloween. Halloween is one of the worse things out there, and there are many, many things wrong with it," Palin announced to a stunned crowd.

"First, of all, there is all that costume stuff. I tell you, my fellow Americans, I am proud to say not once did I ever let any of my six precious children - Todd, Truck, Branch, Algebra, Trout and Bong - where any of those silly things. No, because then that means there would be less outfits for me, and the cargo hold of my jet isn't even full yet. Besides, we all know that I can't count on that bum of a husband buying me anything nice anyway, so I might as well those outfits." Palin quickly reversed herself, pointing to the tinfoil tiara on her head, making it explicitly clear that Todd had made it for her, and that it made her feel beautiful. She added that it had the additional benefit of "keeping that gotcha media from filtering through my thoughts. Darn you, Katie Couric!"

"Another reason to do away with Halloween is the basic idea of trick or treat. Listen, I don't think our kids should be going around acting like some kind of terrorist, threatening people with acts of terror if they don't hand over candy. And what's up with that whole handing out candy to every little rugrat that comes to your door? I could see you wanting to give lots of candy away if it was one of my precious angels. But it might be one of them unfavorable, lazy kids - you know the kind I mean - that don't do any homework or help with the chores, just because they're pregnant or some other lame reason, and now want a hand out. Well, my fellow Americans, that sounds a lot like socialism to me, and if there is one label you can put on me, well, that is I am the most antisocial person around."

Instead of having Halloween, which she called "a most unChristian" holiday, Palin offered the crowd, which had dwindled down to about 20 people, counting the former stock market investors who were looking for spare change, another holiday to take its place.

"When I take my rightful place on the throne, I mean, in the Oval Office, I will make Congress make October 31st known as St. Sarah Day, named after me, the patron saint of pipelines and oil wells. And if they try to say 'no' to me, Todd and I will see that they get fired."

"Instead of trick-or-treating, all the children will don their best Sunday outfits and go to dance around the pipeline," Palin continued, "Oh, yes, my friends, there will be pipelines running all through this beautiful country of our, you betcha. And just like I'm doing in Alaska, I will see to it personally that they get built. Just don't ask me when."

After the rally, attendees and people waiting for the bus, expressed confusion and befuddlement. "You mean that wasn't Tina Fey on the stage? Then why was she dressed like that and talking so funny? I could have sworn it was a comedy routine," expressed Harvey Frudwumple, who was at the rally, "By the way, do you have any spare change I can borrow?"

In related developments, the Anchorage Daily News, Alaska's biggest newspaper, has come out with an endorsement of Barack Obama. The amazing thing is that those terrorist-loving, fascist, communistic, pinko, homosexual, Muslim liberal media people stopped short of calling for Palin to be put in a seal costume and air dropped, by her very own Royal Guard, er, I mean, Alaska National Guard, in polar bear country.

This has been Hyena Blitzed reporting for Faux News, the only place you can get a fairly unbalanced look at today's top stories.