Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Captain Scott Walker Of The Lord's Boat

By Jeff Simpson    

Mark your calendars now.  DO NOT Delay.  

On August 12-19th, 2017, Scott and Tonette Walker will be hosting an Alaskan Cruise.  An Alaskan cruise because Mr. Walker's heart is to cold for the Caribbean.

Also not sure if he has put in for vacation yet, since he took the whole summer off last year to gallivant around the country( When you end up with 0% support, it can hardly be called campaigning) he might not have much vacation left.  

Lets let Mr.Walker invite us himself(while I help him clarify more of what he means):

I want to personally invite you to join me and other special guests on a once-in-a-lifetime cruise to Alaska(if enough of you pay your money to come with us, I dont have to pay). The United States is rich in natural beauty, but wild Alaska is perhaps one of the most scenic parts of our nation—if not the world(cruise now before we abolish the EPA). With cascading waterfalls, snow-capped mountains and abundant wildlife, you’ve got to see it to believe it(bring your cameras, these sights will not be here for much longer). Come experience it with me August 12–19, 2017, on the Lifeshape Alaska Cruise. 

Aboard(Major Republican Donor Micky Arison's Cruise line) Holland America’s luxurious msEurodam(will be temporarily renamed the SSunintimidated), we’ll travel to historical ports like Juneau, Sitka and Ketchikan. We’ll cruise the unbelievable waters of Glacier Bay, a UNESCO World Heritage Site. And along the way, we’ll have countless moments for building new friendships and engaging in conversations about what we hold dear: faith, freedom and family values. 

I’m very pleased that my wife, Tonette Walker, will be joining us. Other special guests include Trudy Cathy White(the girl from facts of life?), The Benham Brothers(these guys?), Wes Hampton and Adam King(those two dudes that write scary movies!). In addition to the fantastic music(we will participate in morning prayer to this song every morning), we’ll enjoy nightly inspirational messages about issues that directly impact our society and business climate today(donating as much money as you can to the GOP). Topics include faith in the public arena(A to the Men), faith-driven entrepreneurship and strategic opportunities to transform the marketplace. 

Best of all, you’ll spend this wonderfully scenic week in the presence of like-minded business owners(I have never had a job so this will be covered by someone else) and impassioned professionals. What an awesome opportunity to network, build relationships(give me money) and get inspired for the future. Get away for an exciting cruise conference that will enrich you physically, mentally and spiritually in a breathtaking landscape. Reserve your cabin today for a transformative(Can you believe they are making another one of these movies) experience you’ll remember forever. 

Scott Walker
(part-time)Governor, State of Wisconsin 

While the final details are being finalized, we at CogDIs have scooped everyone again.  We have more details of the pure excitement of an Alaskan Cruise with the Walkers.  

August 13th Day at Sea.  
This day is meant for you to acclimate to the sea and the room, and the food etc.... make, some new friends, talk amongst yourself, get selfies from the boat and must post a mandatory 2 picture presentation on social media(one has to be with Governor Walker).  

The Itinerary is light today, we will start out with a recorded prayer from Rep. Alvin Ott:  Sorry he was not able to join us live, but no one had ever heard of him before so we were unable to locate him to invite him:

   Keep your hand on your heart people because we will follow up that amazing touching prayer with a sing along version of stand with Governor Walker(also recorded because let's be real, would you want to spend a week at sea with Glen Shulfer?) 

After this bit of inspiration you will have free time until 3:30 where everyone will get together and have a whitest legs contest!  Winner will receive a personal phone call from Paul Ryan.  He would have loved to attend this cruise but The Donald did not give him permission!    

In the meantime, we recommend since we will be sailing international waters, you make an appointment with the ships Dr. since we will soon be back in American waters and with the repeal of Obamacare, no one on this ship will be able to afford visiting a Doctor.   

Also after morning prayer, Tonette will leave us for a few days to oversee a completely unnecessary and expensive kitchen remodel of the ship.  We hope to see her again by the end of the week.  

JUNEAU, ALASKA (August 14, 1:00 P.M.–10:00 P.M.)

The next day, we will start out with our daily prayer and tribute song, followed by brunch so you have your energy for a full day of exploring Juneau.   For a minimal fee, you can travel the Capital city with Trudi White, while mocking gays, protesting the local clerk for issuing same -sex marriage licenses and ending with a fried Chicken dinner on Sarah Palin's porch.  Where people can listen to stories of how Jesus hated gays and if all goes well a sighting of a shirtless Vlad Putin (Raarrrrhhh).  

Always shirtless...

Entertainment on the ship after will be a tree decorating contest = the winner will be the contestant who can decorate their tree the fastest without falling into it!    Winner gets a pink randomly sized Walker for President T-shirt.   

CRUISING GLACIER BAY, ALASKA (August 15, 7:00 A.M.–4:00 P.M.)

After our daily prayer and tribute we are off to the Glacier Bay.  As Senator Ron Johnson likes to say, who doesn't like it warmer? Bring your suit because we will spend the morning swimming in the ocean, if all goes well we will have a whale sighting and possibly be able to pick up a Polar Bear Carcass for your home office

  We will be back on the ship in time for another quick swim and a reading from Unintimidated. Today's contest will be whoever can make up the tallest tale of how people tried to intimidate you and they were unsuccessful.   Please no truth involved and it has to take place in WI.   For people who purchase the VIP package, you will learn how to add violence into peaceful protesters all in the name of the Lord!

 The winner will receive the bonus of NOT getting a signed copy, everyone else must take two copies home with them (you will be checked as you leave).

SITKA, ALASKA (August 16, 7:00 A.M.–3:30 P.M.)

After morning prayer and ritual, Scott Walker will hold a quick reminder, to all involved(and in honor of Da Coach), that you can be a fan of any major sports team and still send him money!   

After that much pandering we will be ready to check out beautiful Sitka.   Today's contest will be the four people who have shown the biggest hatred of public employees and union members will get rewarded with a special deep sea fishing trip with The Governor.   Guaranteed not to hear stories of how your lack of success out on the seas is Barack Obama's fault and if you were in Wisconsin your pole and bait would be working!    Also not guaranteed to actually catch any fish!   

We will come home to the highlight of the trip.  We will hold a #Walker16 party, where we will be sampling different foods from county fairs around the country, drinking lots of beer, much more pandering and lots of shaking hands.  The person with the best "I Love Scott Walker"sign will also win an autographed randomly sized Walker for President T-shirt and lapel pin!  

The Brothers who we invited will be the entertainment at the party!

KETCHIKAN, ALASKA (August 17, 7:00 A.M.–1:00 P.M.)

This is the day everyone has been waiting for!   Today, after prayer and devotional song we will be heading to the hallowed ground of the modern day Republican party!  No not Ripon WI, but the famous "Bridge to Nowhere".  Nothing represents the big spending, earmark ridden, waste of taxpayer money like the Alaskan Bridge to Nowhere.  It is almost like the original WEDC.  

 Participants will have a chance to walk on it, have your picture taken there and there will be a ritual before departing where we thank Saint Ronnie and then everyone just grabs money from their purse or wallet and randomly throws it into the sea(in the name of fiscal conservatism of course)!    

When we get back to the ship we will be welcome with the fresh smell, in our newly remodeled kitchen of Scott Walker's Frosted Christmas Pecans!  Do not worry if you have a nut allergy, as we will pray that away and please, whatever you do these are Christmas Pecans NOT Holiday pecans!  

In honor of Jesus's Half Birthday and an early celebration of Christmas, we will be accepting checks for Friends of Scott Walker, and will issue your children a nice certificate in your name to give them for Christmas.   They know how important it is that we take our Big Bold Reforms National and I become President, that I am sure they will not mind skipping Christmas this year!  

The winner of today's contest will be the person who can dress in the most Red, White and Blue to please God.   We all know God is 100% pure American, through and through, so let us honor that on this special day!   The winner will be given the honor of guest hosting the Vicki Mckenna show!  Just a quick lesson on how to screech is all you will need, facts or knowledge of any subject you want to be an expert of not necessary!    

VICTORIA, BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA (August 18, 6:00 P.M.–11:59 P.M.)

Finally, our bittersweet last day.  Yet as Christians we know:  

Colossians 3:23-24 “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”

Today is the day we put those idle hands and feet to work for our guest of honor Governor Scott Walker.  They all laughed at him, when he brought this up as a legitimate issue in his campaign for President and today is the day we show the world, who gets the last laugh.  

Everyone will be issued a shovel and we will build our own wall to keep Canada away from the US!   No more open border access to the hockey playing, Poutine eating, Celine Dion fans.  A Government is there to provide safety for the people and the nationalized health care, Maple syrup eating people who sent us Ryan Gosling need to be contained.  Our Hero Scott Walker is just the National Security expert to do it and its up to us to help him! 

After that home to get a good nights sleep and continue on doing the Lord's work of ridiculing gays, making fun of the homeless and lowering wages and taking healthcare away from people in your own community!    

Thank you and God Bless,  Looking forward to cruising with you! 

PS:  Since regulations are the Devil's work and kill jobs we only have a few on this cruise(which can all be found in the Good Book):

*  No eating shellfish 
*  No cutting of hair or beards allowed 
*  No wearing of poly/cotton blends
*  Women must not wear any clothing deemed sexy
*  No Masturbation this week 
*  No looking at a woman lustfully 
*  No braided hair, gold, pearls or costly garments 
*  No Bacon will be served 
*  Tattoos must be removed before being allowed to board 
*  No one who has been divorced and remarried will be allowed 
*  Women shall not speak during any prayer events 
*  If a couple is unmarried they must have two separate cabins 
*  meat will only be cooked very very well done 

Thank you and for the safety of all these rules will strictly be enforced by a much higher power!   

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