Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Report from the 61-Year-Old Virgin

You know, there comes a time when you almost miss Crazy Mary (Panzer).  (I only mean that in the far-out, conservative way, not the clinical way, because I am not a clinician and Mary’s just brainwashed, possibly not mentally ill. But still a menace.) I’m not sure if that time is now, but it may be upon us soon. Glenn Grothmann (R-Mom’s Basement) serves Wisconsin’s 6h Congressional District.  The guy’s views on everything from early childhood education to municipal water chlorination are—how to put this politically correctly—wrong on every level and completely devoid of any basis in reality. A few of Glenn’s recent greatest hits have included:

11)   Early childhood education: Glenn is just POSITIVE that any early benefits that might be enjoyed by investment in four-year-old kindergarten disappear by the fourth grade. He thinks this is some elaborate Ponzi scheme to line the pockets of these school districts, currently so cash-rich that they are closing and consolidating. THE NERVE. EC
22)   Glenny’s position on concealed care (he is super, duper for it!) are equally disturbing, considering his level of cross-eyedness. Now, we don’t want to pick on him for that. At the same time, we don’t want him to be armed. Because common sense. Strabismus
33)   Glenny is so confused that he thinks Kwanzaa is a white left-wing conspiracy. Spoiler alert: it’s not!  Glenn still wants you to treat Kwanzaa "treat Kwanzaa with the contempt it deserves before it becomes a permanent part of our culture." Kwanzaa
44)   Glenny is SUPER proud of his record on the American Health Care Act, notable mainly for its lack of an imaginary name and its ability to kill tens of thousands of Americans due to its avarice, cowardice, and cruelty. ACHA
55)   Glenny is so far out of touch with reality that he thinks he remembers “global cooling in the 1970s."   Glenny’s already failed on one of the key climate promises he made to his constituents who packed Neenah Council Chambers on April 30, 2017. He pledged to “do what he can” to prevent the elimination of Great Lakes Restoration Funding in Trump’s budget. Trump plans to take the funding level from $300 million to zero. Angry
   6) The strangest thing about Glenn, though, is what proves that no woman or man has wanted to come within sexual distance of him. He actually, really, truly thinks that you can just close Planned Parenthood and get your birth control at the grocery store. Really. Grocery

      Bottom line is this: Progressives are making huge inroads, and sometimes winning, in former Republican strongholds.  Once people get sick enough of being unemployed, without health care, what else will people like Grothmann have to run on? What do broke people dressed in burlap sacks, with no money in their burlap pockets, do? They might-- finally-- begin to vote in their own self-interests. And that means not voting for Glenny-Glenn. But if you happen to see him shopping for birth control at the grocery story, cheer him on. He might finally be getting lucky. 

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