A Millionaire Is A Terrible Thing To Waste

A special message from Scott Walker (spelling and grammatical errors corrected):

Hi folks-

As you know, the State of Wisconsin is a mess, which is why you chose to put your faith in me this past election. You realize, that after my eight years as Milwaukee County Executive, if there is one thing I know, it's recognizing a mess when I make see one.

In fact, there is so many things wrong, I can't even wait until I'm sworn in to but my own brand to the mess this state is in. I've already put the unions on alert that I'm serious and will not allow a contract to occur on my watch! Why, Doyle and his union thug buddies even tried to mess up the state's Christmas tree!

But I am writing to you, my friend, to discuss an alarming situation that must take precedence over all other problems, even the selling of the state's forests, cutting all that wasteful spending helping the disabled and the elderly (I wish I was joking about that one), and providing health care coverage for a bunch of women and children.

What I am talking about is the desperate plight of the state's millionaires.

Yes, yes, I know that there are people who are jobless and can't even give their kids one Christmas present this year. But we don't need to concern ourselves about those poor sods, since I've already promised to create a gazillion new jobs in Wisconsin by giving all of our tax money to the wealthiest among us. (I don't really understand how this works, but Michael Grebe told me to shut up and just say what he told me to say, so there it is.)

Did you know that my good buddy, Ron Johnson, spent millions of dollars he got from his in-law's business, just so he could squeak past Russ Feingold. Good thing the elections weren't any later. Too many people were catching on that he wasn't quite what we told them he was, and he would have had to spend more of his in-laws' money. In fact, he's just begging for help from us!

Likewise, my good buddy, Jim Sensenbrenner is nothing but skin and bone.

And this plight is affecting the private sector as well. Donald Nester, departing COO of Aurora Health Care, couldn't even squeeze out more than $8.2 million as a severance package! I ask you, how long do you think he can live on such a paltry sum?

Well, I won't stand by idly while these tragedies are occurring! That is why I have decided to take all the proceeds from my three inaugural events and donating a full three fourths* of it to the Wisconsin Republican Party. Oh, sure, I could be like every other governor before me and donate it to charity, but hey, c'mon, boy scouts and girls scouts come a dime a dozen. The poor, the disabled and the elderly are even worse.

But it is the millionaires in this state that are truly an endangered species.

We can always get around to feeding the poor, housing the homeless and getting employment for the jobless later.

We must take care of our millionaires first.

Won't you please help me help them?

Thank you,

Scott Walker

*Full disclosure: I am keeping a quarter of the proceeds for my own campaign. Running for president gets expensive, or so Tommy Thompson has told me.

P.S. Be one of the first fifty to send in $50,000 or more, and I'll give you a special edition Survival Guide for Visiting State-Owned Buildings.