Friday, October 5, 2012

Is Mitt Romney Considering Dumping Paul Ryan?

In a Cog Dis exclusive, we have learned that Mitt Romney is considering putting Paul Lyin' Ryan in with Seamus on the dog cage strapped on top of the Romney campaign bus.

Sources close to the Romney campaign have told us that Romney is very upset after not gaining a single new voter after successfully doing a Gish Gallop all over President Barack Obama in Wednesday night's debate.

Said sources have told Cog Dis that Romney and his top campaign advisers have taken a long and hard look at what's going on in an effort to discard the things that aren't working for them and to generate more excitement about their lagging campaign.

When Romney had announced that Lyin' Ryan as his running mate, right wing pundits praised the move, saying that Romney did the exact right thing by "going bold."

But now, Romney is apparently having second thoughts about his choice in running mates.

Ryan was supposed to bring with him a big bounce in polls as well as big economic plan.

However, even in Wisconsin, Ryan's home state, the small bounce in the polls lasted as long as a free hot dog at an AFP rally and Romney is trailing Obama by double digits in a supposedly suddenly turned red state.

Furthermore, the Ryan budget which Romney has embraced is really nothing new. It's the same plan that Ryan has been touting for the past decade and the same one that is deemed too toxic by all but the most extreme Republicans and one senator, Ron Johnson, who thinks that the world's problems are caused by sunspots.

It turns out that taking Grandma's medicine and health care away and replacing them with an Entertainment Book coupon isn't so popular with the voters after all.

Adding to the strain between the two men is Ryan's open lack of faith in their chances as evidenced by the fact that Ryan has run not just one, but two commercials aimed at keeping his congressional seat. On top of that, besides introducing Ryan to all of the big money special interests and billionaire corporation executives and their PACs, Ryan still is losing in fund raising to his opponent, the much nicer and much, much more qualified Rob Zerban.

It is said that Romney is considering to jumping on one of his "zingers" from the Gish Gallop by making Big Bird the face of the 47%, the group of people that Romney has utter disdain for (the poor, the disabled and the elderly) and hopes to get the public to share in his elitism.

Ignoring the fact that PBS, the network that carries Sesame Street, barely accounts for one one-hundredth of one percent of the federal budget, or about $1.35 per person, Romney is hoping to make people believe that cutting funding for them will balance the budget, lower everyone's taxes to zero and make everyone billionaires, just like him.

He's also planning on arguing that offing Big Bird will also increase virility and end male pattern baldness, in order to get the Rush Limbaugh listeners more firmly on board.

In order to help sell this War on Big Bird theme, it is being reported that Romney is considering dumping Ryan as his running mate and going extra-super-duper bold by signing on another Wisconsinite: Wisconsin State Representative Joel Kleefisch.

Kleefisch would bring a lot to the table - in more ways than one.

Joel Kleefisch can just smell
Big Bird on his grill.
The reason that Kleefisch would be the best choice as a running mate in this War on Big Bird is obvious: No one knows more about taking out big birds than Kleefisch, who once declared sandhill cranes to be the "ribeye of the sky."

Furthermore, Kleefisch could help bring in more votes by being married to the furniture-fetishist Lieutenant Governor Rebecca Kleefisch. Romney would like to tap into their Koch money and their electronic voting machines to ensure a win in Wisconsin, a very important swing state.

Cog Dis sought out Rep. Kleefisch to get a statement about this rumor. Unfortunately, when we found him, he was at his favorite country club, and starting to dig in on his fifth sandhill crane and his tenth pitcher of beer. When asked about his potentially being named Romney's new running mate, Kleefisch responded, "Chomp, chomp....if these sandhill cranes are ribeye, Big Bird would be porterhouse steaks...chomp, swallow,, chomp....frog legs....and I'd like to...chomp, gulp, slurp...[unintelligible] Miss Piggy..."

We also tried to contact Paul Ryan, but a spokesman told us that after climbing every mountain in the Himalayans after lunch, Ryan decided to cool off by swimming the length of the Amazon. He was due back in three hours, give or take a few minutes, but that was after press time.

Stay tuned to Cog Dis as we bring you the latest news in this developing story.

And coming up next...What color will Mitt Romney's face be next?


  1. Replies
    1. Good! That's what I was going for.

    2. YouMustBeAGeniusTodayForSomeUnknownReasonOctober 6, 2012 at 12:51 AM

      This is the first comment of yours that I agree with.

      It even made me laugh.

  2. This isn't funny or witty -- its just plain misinformation that tries to grab clicks. Write what you like, but this doesn't do anything to help people take the rest of your work as serious and legit.

    Next time I read your sig tag line about walker, "there's always more" I will have to remember this crap piece.

    Why don't you leave humor to the folks that can do it instead of posting steaming piles of lies?

    1. See that spot at the bottom at the bottom of the post? The one that's called "labels?" See that label "satire"? Yeah, that.

  3. I, for one, quite enjoyed this. It is past time ol' Joel got mentioned for his sandhill crane remarks.

  4. I've heard that Romney has already brought in a replacement VP from China and Ryan is in fact already training him in the skills of lying and mathematical jibberish.

  5. Don't forget, Kleefisch is the Stone Bank Crow Hunting champion:

  6. Don't forget, Kleefisch is the Stone Bank Crow Hunting champion:

  7. It all sounded perfectly plausible until I got to the Kleefisch part. Then I started to think "Wait a minute... Is it April Fool's Day?"

    Thanks for introducing me to the Gish Gallop phrase. I went to Wikipedia and read about it.

  8. Who are these various anonymousers showing up claiming to be liberals but complaining you're not nice, Chris? They sound like weasels to me.

    1. WISGOP's finest trolls, OS. Nothing but the best for the King of the Hate Left, don't ya know.

  9. Right on Capper - this is great stuff!

  10. think i just figured it out. walker, ryan, priebus, et al are unaware of the fact that no one in this great country cares a lick about wisconsin. their ideas, slogans and self-aggrandizing compliments- to each other- do not play well in peoria, ohio, pennsylvannia, florida, michigan or colorado. even more embarrassment for priebus if wisconsin stays true to the polls and votes in obama and baldwin and he doesn't deliver the US senate, the presidency or even his own state. good choice repub party.

  11. Thanks for the Gish Gallop reference. It so TOTALLY describes Mitt
    R-money's debate strategy - lies, half-truths in bullet points.

    LOVED the Joel Kleefisch/Big Bird tie in. Chuckled pretty hard.

    Keep it up Capper because if we don't laugh, we'll cry!