Saturday, August 25, 2012

Sneak Preview Of Scott Walker's RNC Speech

In case you weren't aware, Scott Walker is going to speak Tuesday at the Republican National Convention. Granted, he was added as an afterthought, perhaps to fill in for the spot that Todd Akin was going to speak. But speak he will.

At great risk of life and limb, we at Cog Dis are proud to say we have gained possession of a copy of his speech. Keep in mind that this is a rough draft and may be different than the one his handlers have him read at the convention. Here is the speech, in its entirety:
Thank you. Thank you.  It's great to be here with my friends and fellow Koch Industry employees at the Koch Industry Republican National Convention, sponsored by Johnsonville Brats, Miller Beer, Wachenhut and Walmart.

Before I get started, I just want to give a shout out to the next President and Vice-President of the United States - Mutt and Jeff! Er, Mitt and Paul! I also would like to thank my good friend and fellow Wisconsinite Reince Priebus for the invitation to speak to you today. I also would like to thank FBI Special Agents Smith and Jones for allowing me a few minutes to address the convention before taking me to face the grand jury. (Really, all those secret routers aren't mine. I was just holding them for my friend, Tim.)

Now, as I said in Michigan, there is a simple message that will help Mitt and Paul win this election. That message is the truth. It is what helped me win two elections in the last two years. Well, that and electronic voting machines.

When I was running for governor, I pointed out the truth. I told people how my predecessor was wasting valuable tax dollars on such frivolous things like creating jobs, protecting rights and preserving the environment. This is not what the people wanted. I told the voters that I would reform Wisconsin and that is exactly what I did. I reformed it into a place we call Fitzwalkerstan.

I said that I would make the state open for business. And I did. And like any good business, we opened it with a big sale and I am proud to say we have already sold off  and sold out a great deal of the state. To help with this, I created the Wisconsin Economic Development Corporation, which is made up of businesses to help bring other businesses to the state. This way I have eliminated the do-gooder bureaucrats who would impose needless restrictions. I also eliminated the middle man so that businesses can give their money directly to my campaign without having to go through channels.

I said that my focus would be on jobs, and I'm proud to tell you that I've been pulling one job after another on the people of Fitzwalkerstan.

To help create the jobs, I followed the rules of ALEC and gave our public sector workers a freedom they've never had before. I freed them of having to join a union. I freed them of the drab routine of having a safe working condition. I freed them of having to be in higher tax brackets. I freed them of the responsiblity, I mean the ability, of helping keeping the economy afloat by cutting their pay. Yes, I gave the workers of Fitzwalkerstan freedom, and as we know, freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.

As a sign of our success, we have recently received word of a great company, Master Lock, will be returning jobs that they had previously shipped overseas to China. This company will be creating great jobs that will showcase the wonderful American work ethic and production such as these high quality handcuffs connecting my wrist to Agent Smith's.

But we didn't stop with just the business friendly environment. Oh no, we didn't.

We also focused on the needs of women. Having married a woman, I know how hard it can be for women to make tough choices, especially when it comes to complicated things like money and health care. To help them, we made sure they didn't have to worry about making too much money.  We didn't want to burden their pretty little heads about such things while they're bringing us our coffee, making our ham and cheese sammiches, or doing our errands.

Likewise, they now no longer have to make life-changing medical decisions on their own. After all, there's no me in uterus. But there is us. A lot of us. In fact, as we speak, I am confident that Wisconsin State Representatives Robin Vos, Glenn Grothman, Joel Kleefisch, State Senator Scott Fitzgerald and former State Senator Randy Hopper are getting in all the uteruses they can. These fine men are doing what they can to make sure the women of Wisconsin don't have to be alone when making serious decisions regarding their bodies. We will continue to help make sure their decisions are legitimate ones.

We also made great reforms to our state's education system. Our reforms were all fundamental. We saw all those funds and we went mental. If you ask any child about their school and you can tell that they don't like their school. So instead of wasting all that money for something the children don't want. we directed that money to people who would appreciate it, like the Koch brothers or the Bradley Foundation, who would, in turn, show their appreciation by using some of that money to help buy our elections.

But despite our great strides in reforming Wisconsin, there is much work to do.

For example, as I stated earlier, we gave our public sector workers freedom. But we need to turn our attention to all the workers of our great state. I am proud to announce that as soon as we buy the elections this fall, we are poised to introduce bills that would help reform Wisconsin even further by making it a right to work state. Unfortunately, the state's economy hasn't recovered enough to also make it a right to get paid for work state.

We are also faced with the fact that job creation isn't what we would like to see. I have determined that job creators are reluctant to create jobs from all the uncertainty being created by all of these elections. They weren't sure that I would be recalled. Now they aren't sure that Mitt and Paul will win and that Obamacare will continue to take away from their profits by giving health care to people that can't afford it on their own.

To address this serious issue, I am proud to reveal that I have kept my word of saying that government should be run more like a business. With that in mind, I have eliminated the uncertainty caused by all these rampant acts of democracy.

To do so, I used my executive powers to having Fitzwalkerstan incorporated. Furthermore, I am proud to say that David Koch, the real one this time, has called me at my office and we have successfully negotiated a buy out. We are now known at Fitzwalkerstan, Inc., a subdivision of Koch Enterprises. I am also proud to announce that David Koch has appointed me as CEO of Fitzwalkerstan, a job that I will be able to keep for life, given that I can continue to maintain a healthy profit margin for our parent company.

Thank you again. And don't forget to tip your waitresses, especially you there at tables 21-30. Poor Ciara has been through some rough times and is busting her butt to make sure you have enough ranch dressing for your chicken wings.

And now a word from our sponsors, FOX News and Journal Communications....


  1. I doubt Walker was afterthought. I bet it was a continuous thought as the powers that be weighed the pros and cons. Wonder if they will edit him out in the archivial videos 10 months from now.after indictments. Palli

  2. You forgot: "I am not a crook", "There's no jail that can hold me" and "Look at me Ma, top of the world."

  3. Scott Walker will go down in history as a disgrace to our state and nation. He added the "We're open for business" signs on our Welcome to Wisconsin signs--isn't it ironic?
    He figured "Arbeit Macht Frei" had already been used, and, after all, the reputation of that slogan wasn't very good.

  4. "we are poised to introduce bills that would help reform Wisconsin even further by making it a right to work state. Unfortunately, the state's economy hasn't recovered enough to also make it a right to get paid for work state."

    Good one!